Caregivers: Remember Your Own Needs

Caring for someone with cancer can be completely consuming, leaving you little time for anything else.  But it’s important to take your own needs seriously as well.  The following are some suggestions for making your job more manageable.

Embrace change

Embrace the things you can change and accept the things you cannot change.  Remember, you are not the only family going through this. Instead of focusing on the past and asking why this is happening to you, think about what you can do in the here and now. Realize the special support you are giving to your loved one by helping them. Also, realize the gift you are giving yourself by being able to spend this time with your loved one.

Open the communication lines with family

Hard feelings among family members may result if one caregiver feels that he or she is doing all the work and others aren’t chipping in. Most of the time, people do what they can, and everyone reacts differently in this type of situation. Try to be patient with other family members.  Don’t try to solve any underlying issues/conflicts while your loved one is working to heal. Try to focus on what is most important at this time and put feelings aside for now.

Ask for and accept help

Let family and friends help share the load. They probably want to help, but they might not know how. Instead of waiting for them to make suggestions, give them specific tasks/household duties (i.e., going to the grocery store, fixing a meal, picking up the laundry, taking the car to be serviced, spending time with your loved one while you run errands, etc.).  Make a list of daily tasks and prioritize what needs to be done first.  If you have children, allowing them to help gives them an active way of coping and feeling like a part of the family.

Make time for yourself

Care giving can be a full time job. It can also be confining and a little lonely. You don’t have to feel guilty about needing some time for yourself. You cannot be the caregiver if you are too tired and stressed. The following are suggestions for taking care of yourself: get adequate sleep; listen to relaxation tapes or music; do an activity you enjoy (get a massage, play golf, go to a movie, take a warm bath, read a book); get regular exercise; keep a journal.

Pay attention to your own health

Stay in tune with your own physical and emotional health. Watch for signs of stress, such as impatience, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating or remembering things. It is also important for you to maintain contact with friends and family. Social isolation can increase emotional distress. If you are feeling constant sadness, fear, panic, or anger that makes it difficult for you to accomplish your usual tasks or activities, seek help with a doctor or social worker.

Try not to take things personally

At times, your loved one might take some of their anger and frustration out on you. Try to remember that they are going through a very difficult time, and they are probably scared and confused. You might resent having to be the “bad guy” – the one who ensures they maintain their diet and do their exercises. Know that you are being a tremendous help to them and they appreciate it, even if they don’t say it all the time.

Find support from other caregivers

You might find comfort in being able to share your feelings and experiences with other caregivers. Consider joining a support group at your hospital/medical facility or in the local community. You could also join an online message board community to talk about what you are going through. You will find strength in knowing you are not alone.

Spend time together and say what you need to say

This is something everyone should remind themselves to do with their loved ones, not just during difficult times. This is a time to let go of any issues from the past and enjoy your relationship with your loved one. Do things together now. Say what you need to say now. The best thing you can hope for is that you end up having many more cherished moments with your loved one.

Know your strengths and limitations

If you are struggling to balance your care giving duties with your full time job, look into the family medical leave policies at your workplace.  In some cases, the best choice is to transition some responsibilities to professionals.  Depending on your needs, explore homecare providers such as Registered Nurses, Homecare Aides and Companions or Homemakers.  Their services range from handling medical needs, to assisting with daily activities and helping out with everyday chores. 

Adapt your home accordingly

In some cases, you may have to make changes in your home to ensure the safety and comfort of your loved one.  Little things like throw rugs can be extremely hazardous to someone who has difficulty walking.  Also, tools like shower chairs or handrails can make tasks like bathing much easier to manage.  In addition, you may need to plan for special equipment like an IV for intravenous medication or nutrition, or an oxygen pump.