Support/Caregiving Tips
This information is intended to help you, the close friend or family member, provide emotional support for a loved one who has been diagnosed with cancer.
What You Need To Remember
Because most cancer treatments focus solely on physical needs (care of the body), recognizing and responding to a patient’s emotional needs (care of the mind) becomes essential. As a close friend or family member, you may have the responsibility, and the privilege, of providing this emotional support throughout the cancer experience.
In addition, each patient is unique and reacts differently to treatment. Even if you know of someone who has the same type of cancer your friend or family member has, remember that no two cancers ever behave exactly the same way, and everybody responds differently.
How To Begin
Don’t Change. If you’re concerned about how to act now that someone close to you has cancer, the best thing you can do is to be natural (be yourself). Don’t burden yourself or your loved one by trying to communicate differently from the way you have in the past.
Learn as much as you can. Becoming informed about the type of cancer your friend or family member has is a good way to support both the patient and yourself. A better understanding of the cancer diagnosis, and the tests and treatments that will be used allows you to talk about what is happening and lessen everyone’s fear of what to expect.
Make a commitment to live in the present (Right Now). Giving daily blessings the attention they deserve takes the spotlight away from cancer and the scary uncertainty of the future. Every time this is done, you and the patient will be empowered as you “chip away” at the damaging emotional effects of the cancer. Remember, it is enjoying life’s gifts that constitutes living – not the number of days a person is given in which to enjoy them.
Encouraging Openness: How To Do It And Why It Helps
Modern psychology has proven that keeping secrets is stressful. It also prohibits concerned family members from joining the common mission of helping and supporting the patient. Communicating about the cancer openly with close friends and family members is helpful in minimizing stress for everyone.
Children are people too. By providing children with age-appropriate information about the cancer, you can reduce their feelings of guilt and anxiety. If they understand the situation, they are likely to come up with ways that they can help. The cheer and enthusiasm children bring to life every day is a precious gift we could all use a little more of.
There is a time for everything under the sun. Providing emotional support can mean different things at different times. Some of the ways you can show your support include being ready to listen when the patient is ready to talk, and allowing him or her to decide when to talk or just be quiet.
What To Do When Your Support Is Rejected
Say it with a smile. Sometimes, regardless of your efforts to lend an ear or bolster some cheer, you may find yourself the target for a lot of anger and frustration. Although you would like to respond with patience and compassion, you will undoubtedly encounter situations when you answer anger with anger. When this happens, remember that even these types of exchanges can be valuable if the lesson of dealing with feelings (even the unpleasant ones) is learned.
When all else fails, retreat. Despite the fact that everyone may know talking about feelings can be helpful, there will be times that the person dealing with cancer is not ready to talk. He or she may withdraw and decide to face it all on his or her own. It is rare that this withdrawal continues for long, especially when help is offered often and at the appropriate times. Allow yourself the option of “stepping back” for a brief period if this is an issue. The next time you offer support, you’ll have gained a fresh perspective and be mentally prepared to deal with important issues.
What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Say
Actions speak louder than words. Nothing says more than your continued presence through the bad times, as well as the good. It’s not necessarily what you say, but how you interact with a cancer patient that matters most. Showing how much you care by making visits to the hospital and tending to his or her needs after their return home exhibits your concern more than you ever could convey.
If the art of conversation is listening, then consider yourself VanGogh. If you can manage to act as a sounding board for a discussion of future plans, react to and absorb a patient’s emotional outpourings, as well as curb any attempts to make things better, you will find yourself greatly rewarded by the comfort you bring to the person you’re trying to help.
When You’re The One Who Needs Support
There is strength in numbers. You probably are not surprised to hear that caring for and providing support for someone with cancer is emotionally draining. It’s not uncommon to feel the need for someone to lift your spirits from time to time. You can find hope and inspiration by meeting with others whose lives have also been touched by cancer.
Care for the caregiver. As someone committed to providing emotional support, you have an obligation to take care of your own needs because you can only offer as much as you have to give. Maintaining your physical strength with proper rest and nutrition and your mental strength by indulging in activities you enjoy will allow you to better minister to the needs of the patient.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff (and it’s all small stuff)”
As therapist and author Richard Carlson, Ph.D., suggests, you can greatly minimize stress [created by the onset of cancer] by responding to only the truly important things in your life. Begin by living in the present and recognizing that you cannot deal with the issues tomorrow may bring until tomorrow.
Recommended Reading
Barry, Rev. Michael S., DMin. The Art of Caregiving: How to Lend Support & Encouragement to Those With Cancer. Life Journey, 2007. (ISBN 0781444306)
LeShan, Lawrence, Ph.D. Cancer As A Turning Point: A Handbook For People With Cancer, Their Families, And Health Professionals. Plume, 1994. (ISBN 0 -452-27137-1)
National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship; Ed. Barbara Hoffman, JD. A Cancer Survivor’s Almanac: Charting Your Journey. Chronimed Publishing, 1995. (ISBN 1-56561-104-7)
Pomeroy, DanaRae. When Someone You Love Has Cancer. Berkley Books, 1996. (ISBN 0-425-15129-8)