Tips for Supporting Your Loved Ones

Caregivers play a critical role in the healing process for cancer patients.  They may provide emotional support, take over responsibilities like shopping and paying bills, drive and accompany their loved one to appointments, and they may help with routine tasks of daily living such as giving medications or taking care of other physical needs.  Cancer Fighters understands the challenges that caregivers may face when supporting a loved one on their cancer journey, so we compiled the following list of tips to help caregivers more effectively provide the support their loved ones need. 

Educate yourself

Learn about your loved one’s specific cancer type, treatment options available and potential side effects.  Investigate organizations focused on the specific type of cancer in which you are interested as well as the research arms of accredited cancer treatment facilities.  Cancer Fighters also offers a comprehensive list of informational resources and support groups that can help you research.  As you become more knowledgeable, you will serve as a more effective sounding board when your family member or friend is deciding on a course of action.

Become involved 

When possible, attend your loved one’s doctor’s appointments.  Bring a list of questions to each appointment to be sure you remember to ask the physician everything you want to know.  Help ensure that your family member of friend raises all of his or her concerns, understands the physician’s recommendations and recalls decisions that are made.  The more you know, the greater sense of control you and your loved one will feel.

Get organized

Make an outline of your loved one’s medical history and keep their records (i.e., treatments, x-ray/lab results, etc.) on file. Keep a current, complete list of medications, dosage and frequency. Also, keep a record of your loved one’s appointments, names of physicians, and contact information, including pharmacy number. Encourage your loved one to record their daily symptoms so you can point out any irregularities to the doctor.

Encourage independence when appropriate

While you may be assisting with many of your loved one’s responsibilities, you still need to encourage them to be as independent and self-sufficient as they want to be.  As a caregiver, it can be challenging to find the right balance between caring for yourself and providing the needed care.  Empower your loved ones to make as many of their own decisions as they would like. This will give them a greater sense of control over their journey.  If your loved ones are able to, let them perform certain activities without your assistance, and provide choices whenever possible (i.e., what to eat for breakfast, what to wear, etc.).

Don’t push your loved one too hard

Sometimes, caregivers think their loved one won’t get better if they don’t make them “toughen up.” However, if your loved one is truly unable to eat certain foods or perform certain tasks, forcing them will only cause more frustration, anxiety and stress for them. Chances are, they already feel like they are a burden on you, so don’t make them feel worse about their inability to do certain things at this time.

Try to find a light side

When you can, try to keep the atmosphere light. Share a joyful memory or review a family album together. Put on a funny movie or TV show. Show your loved one stories from other cancer survivors who have fought and won. If your loved one is staying in the hospital during treatments, keep the atmosphere positive.  Bring in balloons or decorations, photos of family members and other loved ones, games, puzzles or anything else that may give them a break from their treatments.

Accept your loved one’s bad days

Sometimes, your loved one might be depressed, angry, or just having a bad day. That is okay. Your loved one cannot be expected to be upbeat and positive throughout this entire experience. Often cancer patients feel guilty if they express any negativity because everyone constantly tells them to “stay positive.” This is unrealistic. There will be good days and bad days. Try to make the good days extra special and the bad days less difficult for your loved one.

Learn how to talk to your loved one

Since it is impossible to know what your loved one is going through right now, it is important to communicate sensitively with them. You should avoid saying things like: It’s all in your head; We all go through times like this; Stop worrying, you’ll be fine; Look on the bright side. Instead, you can say things that help like: You are not alone in this, I’m here for you; We will get through this together; You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change; I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.

Listen to your loved one

Don’t try to tell your loved one what to think, feel, or how to act. Just listen to them. Many cancer patients will tell you that just having someone who is there to listen, without judgment, makes all the difference. You don’t need to have all the answers, just a sympathetic ear. Follow their cue – be sensitive to what your loved one wants to talk about. They might not want to talk at all, and would rather sit quietly instead.

Have difficult conversations early on

Find out what your loved one’s wishes are regarding financial matters, power of attorney, etc. As their caregiver, you don’t want to be left guessing what their desires would have been if the time comes when they can not engage in decision-making.

Find other sources of support for your loved one

While you may provide wonderful emotional support for your loved one, sometimes it helps them to have another, outside source, to whom to express their feelings. Ask your loved one if they would like to speak to a professional (counselor, therapist, social worker, chaplain/clergy member) and have names and numbers ready.

Be a gatekeeper when necessary

Occasionally friends, family, and acquaintances may stop by the hospital or your home to visit when the person you’re helping would prefer to be alone.  When that’s the case, you may find yourself serving as gatekeeper.  You may want to suggest a better time to visit and that it may be a good idea to confirm visits ahead of time.  Or you could ask for help with something specific, like bringing over dinner later in the week.  You can also enlist a close friend or relative to receive guests and coordinate volunteers.

Moving forward

When the treatment phase ends, returning to a normal routine is another adjustment.  It’s a good idea to refocus the household’s energy on the recovery process, regaining strength and staying healthy.  If you notice any symptoms or long-term side effects of treatment – like weight loss, moodiness or memory loss – talk about these changes, and make sure to mention any new symptoms at follow-up appointments.  Many caregivers constantly worry about a complication or recurrence during this period.  You may find it helps to discuss these fears with friends, a caregiver network or a professional counselor.